Suicide and Hate

The song "Hate Me" is running thought my head right now and I can feel his pain. I want to slip slowly into someones brain and simply curl up and stay. I understand that feeling of falling completely into myself and never ever coming back. Not death. I will never kill myself. But to disconnect with the body and live only in my brain.

I have been doing a very distant form of it for years. Completely uncaring and disconnected from the body that moves, eat and sleep.

I care nothing of what I eat I only care if it pleases my mind. I do not exercise because I am bored and therefore the brain is not lost in itself. I do my best to find disconnected was to socialize with others like text, twitter, and facebook. They are almost the only places I am more than the outward version.

There are moments that I do crawl out from the warm safety in my brain. But unless they are truly worth my travels than I stop coming back to the surface. My prime example is sex. Once found and felt it is judged and declared.

So here I lay in a twin bed of my cousins listening to the sound of the fan, shot down. I had one of the worse days mentally than I have head in years. Worse than new jobs. Worse than a befriend breaking up with me thought text while I was at work. And today has all the making of a great day. It started out as such. But by the end, in the comfort of a bed in a closed room, I am drained. I can not even begin to explain why or how... Not now. Maybe when I am fall removed again.

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